A STORY OF A HUSBAND AND WIFE

TO MY DEAR WIFE:
During the past year, I have tried to make love to you 365 times. I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of about once every 10 days.
The following is a list of why I did not succeed more often:

        54 times the sheets were clean.

        17 times it was too late.

        40 times you were too tired.

        20 times it was too early.

        18 times it was too hot.

         6 times you said the neighbors would hear us.

        29 times you had a headache.

         7 times you were sunburned.

        13 times you said your mother would hear us.

        48 times you were not in the mood.

        17 times you were afraid of waking the baby.

         6 times you were watching the late show  on TV.

         5 times you did not want to mess up your hairdo.

        18 times you said you were too sore.

        12 times it was the wrong time of the month.

        19 times you had to get up early.

Of the 36 times I did succeed, the activity was not satisfactory because 6 times you just laid there, 8 times you reminded me there was a crack in the ceiling, 14 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with, 7 times I had to wake you to tell you I had finished and once I was afraid I had hurt you because I felt you stop breathing.

TO MY DEAR HUSBAND:
I think you have things a little confused. Here are the reasons you did not get more than you did:

        37 times you came home drunk.

        23 times you did not come home at all.

        28 times you did not come.

        43 times you came too soon.

        22 times you went soft before you got in.

        13 times your toes were in a cramp.

        33 times you had to get up early to play golf.

        39 times you worked to late.

         3 times you were in a fight and got kicked in the balls.

         4 times you caught it in your zipper.

         5 times your coffee was too hot and you burned your tongue.

         4 times you had a cold and your nose kept running.

         2 times you had a splinter in your finger.

        24 times you lost the notion after thinking about it all day.

         7 times you came in your pajamas while reading a dirty book.

        42 times you were too busy watching football on TV.

Of the times we did get together, the reason I laid still was because you missed and were fucking the sheets. I was not talking about the crack in the ceiling...what I said was, "would you prefer me on my back or kneeling?" And the time you felt me not breathing was because you farted and I was trying to catch my breath!